Saw our consultant oncologist on Wednesday, where she repeated her offer of extra aggressive treatment, high on side effects, but probably low on benefits. She backed our decision to decline. As I said to her, the prospect of heaven was more appealing than even one of my more agreeable days here on planet earth.Her comment, 'You're very brave'.
Am I? I don't think so.Bravery would be making such a decision without knowing one's destination. For the Christian, my status for the last 46 years, Heaven is the reality that Jesus spoke of "There is plenty of room for you in my Father's home. If that weren't so, would I have told you that I'm on my way to get a room ready for you?"
As St Paul said elsewhere 'If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men. The Christian life is an exchange. I surrender control of my life to Jesus and in return receive His eternal life...that speaks of quality of life down here and continuance of life in the here after. So death is but a station on the time-space continuum.
My attitude to death is not the product of positive thinking, or the outworking of 'que sera, sera'. It is deeply rooted in the certainty and hope that comes through knowing Jesus as friend and Lord.
The important message in all of this...DO NOT ENTER THE BOX UNLESS YOUR EXIT IS CLEAR
Friday, 27 November 2009
Thursday, 12 November 2009
Views into the next valley
An eventful few days, but we got back from hospital last night, armed with a bag of drugs. One of which was dexamethosol, the wonder steroid that got me back from Albania a month ago. And when I awoke at midnight I could already feel its effects - similar to a caffeine rush, hence my waking dream of running a cross-country race through marshy ground - 24 hours previously could only have dreamt of lying on marshy ground and slowly sinking.
Humanly speaking, our news is as bad as it could be. The cancer has returned quite aggressively, has spread to an adrenal gland as well as enlarging in existing sites - hence my weariness over recent months. There is further treatment possible, but with significant side effects, and potential of septicaemia, and hence earlier death. We have left the decision until a further consultation in two weeks time - agreed Tuesday with consultant that my body in no fit state to take extra punishment at present. The debilitating effects of the pneumonia would last two more weeks in a healthy person. Her prognisis is six months maximum, but clearly she has no way of gauging how fast the cancer will progress.
But we want you to hear this in the same context that we did. The only bed space in the hospital on Friday night was in the new Bristol Heart Institute, despite me being in a medical patient category. Ward 53, large with four beds only, mine against the 20' plate glass window looking out onto autumn coloured embankment and trees. Oh the grace of God.
Sunday a.m. I heard my neighbour (82 yr old heart patient) humming the baseline to the Remembrance Day hymns. I enquired of him if he had been part of a church choir, but he was not to be drawn. Later spotted a leather bound, yapp edged, gold leaf book by his bedside. Monday he was reading it, and I enquired if he was reading the "Good Book". Yes, he said, did I know it? I told him I'd read it cover to cover, something he could not claim, though he probably had, just not consecutively. Told me he was reading from the first book of Dr Luke (AV - did not get on with these modern versions). His visitor that day, clad in headscarf, pointed to 'exclusive brethren' beliefs - but one of His saints.
Monday night, some time after my sleeping pill had knocked me out a new (heart)patient took the other window bed opposite. Tuesday am we got chatting, and quickly established that he lived close to my place of work, and knew one of the ladies in my office since thay both attended the same church. Later that day, the new patient left to go home - he'd been moved up for the night from a ward two floors below. Another of the saints that surround us day by day.
(E-mail me on
for more details of our conversations, or any other chat.)
So our sense of being in God's hands continues. Miriam is flying home this week-end for two weeks stay. It'll be good to be able to greet her upright loaded with steroids!!, rather than the horizontal view I presented when we visited her last month.
Humanly speaking, our news is as bad as it could be. The cancer has returned quite aggressively, has spread to an adrenal gland as well as enlarging in existing sites - hence my weariness over recent months. There is further treatment possible, but with significant side effects, and potential of septicaemia, and hence earlier death. We have left the decision until a further consultation in two weeks time - agreed Tuesday with consultant that my body in no fit state to take extra punishment at present. The debilitating effects of the pneumonia would last two more weeks in a healthy person. Her prognisis is six months maximum, but clearly she has no way of gauging how fast the cancer will progress.
But we want you to hear this in the same context that we did. The only bed space in the hospital on Friday night was in the new Bristol Heart Institute, despite me being in a medical patient category. Ward 53, large with four beds only, mine against the 20' plate glass window looking out onto autumn coloured embankment and trees. Oh the grace of God.
Sunday a.m. I heard my neighbour (82 yr old heart patient) humming the baseline to the Remembrance Day hymns. I enquired of him if he had been part of a church choir, but he was not to be drawn. Later spotted a leather bound, yapp edged, gold leaf book by his bedside. Monday he was reading it, and I enquired if he was reading the "Good Book". Yes, he said, did I know it? I told him I'd read it cover to cover, something he could not claim, though he probably had, just not consecutively. Told me he was reading from the first book of Dr Luke (AV - did not get on with these modern versions). His visitor that day, clad in headscarf, pointed to 'exclusive brethren' beliefs - but one of His saints.
Monday night, some time after my sleeping pill had knocked me out a new (heart)patient took the other window bed opposite. Tuesday am we got chatting, and quickly established that he lived close to my place of work, and knew one of the ladies in my office since thay both attended the same church. Later that day, the new patient left to go home - he'd been moved up for the night from a ward two floors below. Another of the saints that surround us day by day.
(E-mail me on
for more details of our conversations, or any other chat.)So our sense of being in God's hands continues. Miriam is flying home this week-end for two weeks stay. It'll be good to be able to greet her upright loaded with steroids!!, rather than the horizontal view I presented when we visited her last month.
Sunday, 8 November 2009
No Fireworks???
Dave may not have had fireworks on his birthday (Nov 5 ) but the next day made up for it.
He began the day compaining of a backache which we put down to him lying awkwardly then at about 1 o'clock this suddenly escalated to excruciating pain and a 999 call.
The emergency services were great as was the hospital care (and the morphine! was good too).
This was later diagnosed as pneumonia and with strong antibiotics Dave is recovering well and should hopefully be discharged Wednesday.
We see the oncology specialist on Tuesday so will blog again when we have more to share.
Psalm 23 v4 Even when we walk through the dark valley of death ,we will not be afraid ,for you are close beside us. Emmanuel.
He began the day compaining of a backache which we put down to him lying awkwardly then at about 1 o'clock this suddenly escalated to excruciating pain and a 999 call.
The emergency services were great as was the hospital care (and the morphine! was good too).
This was later diagnosed as pneumonia and with strong antibiotics Dave is recovering well and should hopefully be discharged Wednesday.
We see the oncology specialist on Tuesday so will blog again when we have more to share.
Psalm 23 v4 Even when we walk through the dark valley of death ,we will not be afraid ,for you are close beside us. Emmanuel.
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
No fireworks
Sorry to those of you who rely on these pages for progress reports. Maybe that's the whole thing - we see little progress, and my daily energy levels mean little time at the PC. So there's nothing actually to report today, other than a guilt complex!!
We rounded off Albania with a tummy bug on the day of our return flight which merely doubled my sense of exhaustion - Maki called out the doctor, and I discovered the wonderful effect of intravenous steroids - put me on an energy high for the next 36 hours. Am told such is not approved NHS procedure, but was thankful for it at the time - the Albania leg proved something of a physical endurance test at times, great as it was to see the girls, and to see Amelia progress from one step to eleven!!
Elaine had been signed off with stress just prior to our departure, but returned to work two weeks after our return. We see the consultant next week for the results of my first quarterly scan - a "no change" report will reassure her that this tiredness is just normal post-chemo reaction, and not the return of cancer symptoms.
So we live from day to day, enjoying those days when energy enables the occasional outing, and visits from friends that bring colour to day-to-day living. Will post again (promise) once seen consultant. Light a firework (or 58) for me on Thursday!! Dave
We rounded off Albania with a tummy bug on the day of our return flight which merely doubled my sense of exhaustion - Maki called out the doctor, and I discovered the wonderful effect of intravenous steroids - put me on an energy high for the next 36 hours. Am told such is not approved NHS procedure, but was thankful for it at the time - the Albania leg proved something of a physical endurance test at times, great as it was to see the girls, and to see Amelia progress from one step to eleven!!
Elaine had been signed off with stress just prior to our departure, but returned to work two weeks after our return. We see the consultant next week for the results of my first quarterly scan - a "no change" report will reassure her that this tiredness is just normal post-chemo reaction, and not the return of cancer symptoms.
So we live from day to day, enjoying those days when energy enables the occasional outing, and visits from friends that bring colour to day-to-day living. Will post again (promise) once seen consultant. Light a firework (or 58) for me on Thursday!! Dave
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